In My Head

I have a difficult time focusing, sometimes. (OK, a lot of the time). I don't know if it is because I was so intensely focused in high school and college, and I just used it all up, or what, but, oh look a shiny thing!

See what I mean?

My train of thought took off yesterday at church without my permission. Fortunately, I didn't have any major goofs (like not having a clue what verse of the song the choir is singing is on -- somewhat critical since I'm the one leading them), and it actually ended up being a good time of introspection and becoming painfully aware of where I am falling short in some areas.

We were singing a song called "Do You Know my Jesus?" and the chorus goes like this --

Do you know my Jesus?
Do you know my Friend?
Have you heard He loves you?
And that He will abide till the end?

Throughout the rest of the song, my stream of consciousness (man, I've ALWAYS wanted to use that phrase in a blog entry) streamed away. (My thoughts are in the parenthesis).

Who hears your call for comfort?
When naught but sorrow you feel?
(No me. I care, but not enough to do something about it.)

Do you know my Jesus? (I made a resolution this year).
Do you know my Friend? (I want to genuinely love people more).
Have you heard He loves you? (But, do people know I love them? Do I love them?)
And that He will abide till the end? (Why can't I let go of the petty teasing that warped me when I was 10. They were kids for crying out loud. They did NOT mean it.)

Who knows your disappointments?
Who hears each time you cry? (I can't let go of it because I don't want to get hurt again).
Who understands your heartaches?
Who dries the tears from your eyes? (Jesus wasn't afraid to be hurt. He let Himself be hurt -- for me.)

Do you know my Jesus? (Our SS lesson was about doing tough stuff)
Do you know my Friend? (Our focus verse was Phil 4:13 -- I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength)
Have you heard He loves you? (I told the kids they could do anything God wanted them to do, with His strength)
And that He will abide till the end. (But, can I do what God wants me to do?)

The song ended, and I sat down almost numb. I don't remember much about the message (and what I do remember is irrelevant for anything in life), but I do know that it is time.

It is time for me to start truly loving people.

It is time to let down the barrier around my heart. Yea, that barrier that I've only let a very, very select few people in, even if it means they may hurt me.

It is okay to be vunerable (even as I write this my heart and/or mind screams, "NO IT ISN'T!!!!!!"), to let others into my "space." I may get hurt. Or, I may hurt them. But, pain is OK, and it is temporary. Jesus knows pain. He knows the pain of rejection and betrayal. If I am not willing to risk the pain (which may NOT be inevitable), I cannot truly love people. And, if I can't truly love them, I can't fully serve them. If I cannot serve them, I cannot show them Jesus.

For I can do ALL things through Jesus who gives me strength. Phil 4:13