When Being Good Isn't Good Enough

This post on Steve's blog (All Toes in the Water), got me to "remembering."



I accepted Christ at 7. I remember it; I remember understanding what I was doing. This is when I made him my Savior.

At 12 or 13ish, I realized it was more than just going forward, it was a life change. At that point, because my cognition had grown, I realized it was deeper than just doing what I did at 7, it was more important -- bigger if you will. this was important, because I was getting reading to go into the teen years, and needed to be prepared.

I was a model kid. Honestly. I had NO rules at home, because mom knew I wouldn't break them. I was an honor student, excelled in band, went to church without being forced, actually studied my Sunday School lesson, and on a band trip my Senior year, they let me serve as a chaperone. At 17, I was already 30. I wasn't perfect, by any means, and looking back, I screwed up big time in some ways, but by all outward appearances, I was Super Teen.

I say all of that to say this -- when I got to college, and had to go at it alone, my faith morphed into something a bit more tangible. Like the guy in the illustration, I decided that it was what I did that showed my love to God.

I made up my mind to go from Super Teen to Super Duper Christian College Student. Now, on the Appalachian State campus, when it was reported to be one of the top 3 party colleges in North Carolina, this was no easy task.

I found myself alone, a lot.

It was during this time that I also slipped into a depression. I say "slipped" because it happened so slowly, I didn't notice it at first. I just knew something wasn't right, and I figured if something was wrong, if I didn't have joy and victory, God must be mad at me and if God was mad at me, I must not be doing enough for him. So, I did more.

And more.

And more.

And more.

When I finally broke -- 3 days before I had planned to commit suicide, I was music student with 21 credit hours (12 is full time, 18 is the max anyone was allowed, without permission), was a state officer in a collegiate music organization, played in two or three ensembles, and a member of a couple of clubs and was determined to keep a 4.0 gpa. However, to keep God happy, I attended both the early and late services on Sunday morning, Sunday School, participate in Sanctuary Choir, and the college Choir, Sunday night and Wednesday night services, plus any extras, led two Bible studies through InterVarsity, and still felt I wasn't doing enough. Finally I joined the church bowling league to "prove" how much I love God. No joke. I thought bowling (and I am a TERRIBLE bowler) would prove how much I loved Jesus.

Ironically, by this point, I was so messed up, I had decided there was no God. So, every night, I prayed to a God that I didn't believe existed to let me die, or I was going to do it myself.

Finally, I broke. Made some significant life changes (like transferring to Western Carolina and living at home). Most importantly, though, I learned that loving Christ is not dependent on doing things. I may do things because I love Him, but all He wants is my heart.

I made him my Savior at 7.

It took 14 years to make Him my Lord.

And if you are thinking that none of what I was doing or feeling was from God, you would be correct.

I wasn't "healed" immediately; it was a process that took months. I can remember feeling totally panicked if I felt the least bit down. While most of my Christian influences walked beside me during this time, there were those that kept telling me, "If you just have enough faith, you can get out of this." "If you were doing what God wanted you to, you wouldn't be feeling like this." "If you were really a Christian, you wouldn't get depressed."

Ummmm, it was those attitudes that got me into this mess, thank you very much. Was I dealing with spiritual issues? Oh yea, but they weren't a lack of faith (I was praying to a God I no longer believed in), a lack of service, or a lack of salvation. It was a lack of remembering/knowing that Jesus wants me to love Him.

The journey has not ended, though I'm thankful that it has been a bit more joyful. In a couple of weeks, I am singing a song (or trying to) at church by Avalon called "Everything."

I grew up in Sunday School
I memorized the golden rule,
and how Jesus came to set the sinner free.
I know the story inside out, and
I can tell you all about
the path that lead him up to Calvary.

But ask me why he loves me
And I don't know what to say
But I'll never be the same
Because He changed my life when he became
EVERYTHING to me.


So, where AM I now?

I'm learning that God loves me, and it blows me away. Like in the song, I can't tell you WHY, but He does, and in the past few weeks, it has been something that I have "felt" more than ever before.

God loves me.

If you read back on my blog, you will find that I have questioned a lot of "things" the past few months. Literally, almost over night, I found myself asking why I believed some things and not others. Why I accepted some doctrines and rejected others. It was (is) perhaps the scariest thing I've faced. But it was during this that I learned God loves me and I think wants me to ask questions because if I never ask, I will never learn. What my preacher, or my mom, or Sunday School teacher, says is fine, but God is a personal God, and I think He wants me to "investigate" Him and believe on HIM, not what others tell me about Him.






Postscript --
(We learned during this that caffeinated drinks and chocolate in excess is a migraine trigger for me. To get rid of the migraines, I would take ibuprofen, which causes me to feel depressed. I was so busy, all I was eating was junk from vending machines and consuming as much caffeine as possible to just keep going.)