How to Be a Really Good Christian

(subtitled -- and I know these are true because I've either done it myself, or know someone who did)

1. Make sure that your church pays top dollar for really expensive, but uncomfortable pews. Forget those mamby-pamby comfy chairs -- you will be more spiritual the more uncomfortable you are.

2. Prayer Requests. Make them; make a lot of them. Preferably, make one, let someone else (or two) make one, then make another. Keep repeating this pattern. Also, it is even more "spiritual" if you can give nitty-gritty details, or plain 'ole gossip, and pass it off as concern.

Instead of, "please remember a friend of mine," it sounds much more spiritually accurate to say, "My sister's MIL's aunt's daughter' former dog owner just went to the doctor and they found a lump. She has to have a biopsy, and they are also concerned about some spots on her liver. She used to drink, not to the point of getting drunk, alot, but you know, a drink every now and then, and there were also rumors of using drugs. And, well, I don't want to judge, but you know how that can wreck havoc on your body, but remember her. Oh yea, and she is lost, too."

Also, if you can euphemistically request prayer for a sexual problem, without ever saying "sex," you are a very good Christian. It is okay to use the word "prostrate" in this context, and for this purpose. Likewise, "Living in sin" is much more Christiany than "living together" or "co-habitating."

3. If a Mormon or JW comes to your door, how fast you slam it is directly proportional to how good a Christian you are.

4. Saying, "Bless his heart" is simply another form of saying "He is SUCH an idiot," but it makes you a better Christian.

5. Never, ever, ever, ever wear a printed T-shirt that is not Christian. And especially don't wear a Rock Band T-shirt. It absolutely must have a cutesy little saying that summarizes the entire Bible, genesis to the maps, in three or four words.

6. Along those same lines, the more Christian bumper stickers you can put on your car, the better a Christian you are.

7. Always call your fellow Christians "Brother" and "Sister." Especially in public. And especially around non-Christians.

8. Pretend you don't watch the Superbowl.

9. For that matter pretend you never watch TVs, movies, or anything on youtube.

10. Speaking of youtube, it is much more spiritual to watch things on GodTube

11. Always capitalize God, Jesus, Him and He. Use ALL CAPS to really make it stand out. Never capitalize Satan, or Devil. For that matter, the longer, and more derogatory a name you can give the Prince of Darkness-Teller of Lies-Deceiver-Stealer of Peace, Joy, Happiness, Self-Control, Temperance, Meekness, and Gentleness-Prince of Thieves-Ruler of the Underworld, the more spiritual you are.

12. If you are an artist or "creator," everything you do must have obvious spiritual overtones. If you paint or draw, you must only draw or depict scenes from Bible stories. Since I am a photographer, I must put a Bible verse on every one of my pictures, relevant or not.

13. NEVER enjoy anything that is non-Christian.

14. Only listen to Southern Gospel music. If you must do contemporary, Amy Grant will suffice.

15. You must wear a tie to church, or if you are a woman, you must have on a skirt or dress. The longer (for either the tie or the dress), the better Christian you are.

16. Always be willing to stand up and defend your Christian viewpoints, even if they don't align with the word of God in any form or fashion, and especially if you don't know why you believe it.

17. Give at least 11% -- give it proudly. Give it loudly.

18. Use lots of thees, thous, and -ests in your prayers, and ALWAYS volunteer to pray. The longer your prayer, the more Christian you are.

19. Never lay out of church, just because your back hurts and sitting on the pew costs you another visit to the chirocracker. It makes you do odd un-Christian-like things.






:P <---- That's Karma with her tongue in her cheek, just in case you are really mad right now and are getting ready to leave me a really hateful comment. If you think I'm bad, do a google search for "Stuff Christians Like."